Before he was diagnosed, Gerry was this crazy, goofy, kid who lived to make people laugh and went out of his way to be silly. He had a confidence and a brazenness about him that made him more likeable than ornery, and I never worried about him making friends. He was awarded the "Class Clown" certificate in pre-k, which should tell you a bit about his personality. Most of the photos of him pre-Tourette Syndrome look like this.
Always that goofy grin, the crazy poses, the complete and utter joy and hilarity that he found in life. It was always present in photos.
And now...
He's different. He's quieter and more withdrawn. He's nervous in most social situations. He's still silly and goofy at home, but it doesn't carry over into other parts of his life the way it once did. When we're out and about, especially at school functions, he prefers to stay glued to my side instead of playing and hanging out with his friends. He gets quiet around adults that he's known most of his life.
Last week, he and I went to a spaghetti dinner at school. Since I'm on the PTC, I was there to "work" and couldn't actually sit down and eat with Gerry. He asked me to walk with him through the line to get his meal, and I set him up at a table right in front of where I'd be working so that he could see me. His friends were sitting just 2 tables down, but he didn't want to sit with them.
At one point, I needed to carry a large cake back into the kitchen and help cut and plate it before carrying it back out to the cafeteria. I was in the kitchen for about 10 minutes. No big deal. I brought the sliced cake back out to the cafeteria and glanced toward Gerry while I organized the plates. He was looking down at the table with his head leaning on his left hand. To anyone else, he looked like a kid who was bored or maybe tired. But I noticed that the tips of his ears and the back of his neck were red and he was sitting kind of rigidly. He wasn't bored, he was upset, and he was trying his hardest to hide it.
I walked over and sat down next to him and asked if he was okay. He nodded quickly and a single tear fell on his plate. "Ger, what's wrong?" I asked.
It was like that question broke the dam and he just lost it. He leaned into me and cried and cried while I hugged him, and I finally got it out of him that he thought I'd left. 9 months ago, this never would have been a problem. He'd have run off to the playground with his friends or walked across the room to any one of the adults that he's known for the last 4 years and ask them where I was. I wouldn't have had to stay in his line of sight all night, and I wouldn't have had to let him know if I was leaving the room. He simply wouldn't have cared, confident in the fact that we came together and we'd leave together, regardless of what we did in between. Today, he stays put and he cries by himself. Today, I have to tell him that I'm going to run back into the kitchen for a few minutes and I'll be right out. I have to check in so that he knows I'm still there.
But I forgot.
And it broke my heart to see him crying and scared. "What would you have done if I hadn't come back out when I did?" I asked him. "Would you have gone and asked Miss Jess or Miss Rea where I was? Or looked for Mr. B (the principal) or anyone else you know?"
He wiped his eyes and said, "I would have just stayed here and waited for you to come back."
I can't adequately put into words the way his line of thinking broke my mommy heart. I just keep picturing him sitting all by himself at that table, crying, but being too scared or nervous to ask someone for help in looking for me. And I truly believe that, had I not come back, he really would have stayed put and waited for me.
I don't know if this is a Tourette's thing or not. All I know is that pre-TS my Gerry would have spent that entire event, any event, playing with friends and running around like all the other lunatic 7 year olds in the building. Post-TS Gerry needs to know where I am at all times or he panics. He prefers to stick close to me and let his friends run around without him. That crazy, noisy, silly boy has disappeared a bit and I miss him.
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